Principles Of Modern Parenting
1. 
Parents, Understand yourself. Get some feedback about your ability to affirm and love your children. Find out if you tend to be overprotective or permissive, and also determine your spouse’s tendencies. Knowing yourself provides a benchmark for making changes in how you treat your kids. It’s never too late to change.
2. Engage them intentionally. Learn all you can about their culture, and make time to talk. Great conversations sometimes can be planned, but often the unguarded moments yield the deepest level of heart-to-heart talks. Look for those moments. Pray that God will open your eyes to see them. I’m convinced they are there, but sometimes we miss the cues. On the way home from a ball game, on the way to pick up a movie, in the kitchen preparing dinner, and in the other mundane moments in life, God can give us windows to each other’s soul if we look for them.
3. Listen to your child. If you use those precious moments to huff and puff and blow down the teenager’s house, the next moment may not come until the next millennium! Ask questions. Avoid condemnation or correcting. And listen. Kids are looking at the expression in your eyes and listening to the tone of your voice to see if your words and your heart match up. If you say you want to listen but your voice has the taint of condemnation, the door will be shut.A friend of mine has a teenage daughter. They have a deal. When she picks up that her dad’s voice or facial expression is not consistent with his word, she tells him. He told me, “I don’t like it when she tells me, but if I say, ‘I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better. Let’s try it again.’ the conversation usually goes to a much deeper level. I think our agreement gives her a deeper sense of trust.
4. Ask questions. Don’t jump in with your absolutely essential, incredibly wise advice–even if you’re right! Bite your tongue and ask a few questions. Remember, having the relationship is more important that forcing your opinion on your teenager. Win trust by being patient and asking the second and third questions instead of looking like a know-it-all. Pursue your teenager gently.
5. Clarify what has been said. You may want to ask clarifying questions such as:
- “How did you feel when that happened?”
- “What happened next?”
- “What do you think her motives were when she did that?”
- “This is what I hear you saying. Is that right?”
6. Impart tools of decision making. Don’t overwhelm your teenager with business management techniques, even if they have revolutionized your life. Use the back-door approach. Find unguarded moments, and ask a question or two to help your teenager plan a little better. When he sees success, you can then open Door #2 and say you’ve learned some techniques that help you be more effective. But don’t push! Leave your teenager wanting more. Little by little, teach him to plan, prioritize, and schedule his time to accomplish his goals. Talk about consequences to encourage your teenager to internalize what he is learning. If he notices how good decision making makes him happier and more effective, he will be motivated to keep going in that direction. Of course, these techniques are learned best in the context of growing responsibilities. When your teenager feels the pressure of increased responsibility, he may be more receptive to learn and grow. Every step of the way, affirm efforts as well as progress. 
7. Practice spiritual formation at home. Make is a part of your family’s lifestyle to notice, name, and nurture the presence of God. You can do this as a regular part of dinner conversation or perhaps as a debriefing time on Sunday on the way to church. You can ask, “How have we seen God at work in our lives since last Sunday morning?” That will also prepare each of you to pay attention to God and His Word in the services that morning.The offhanded times may be the best to impart spiritual formation. As you talk about the important and the not-so-important things of your lives, make it a habit to look for the Lord’s hand in all you do. You probably will be surprised to see His sovereignty, His love, and His gracious provision as you never have before!