News from The Kingdom

Building trust in a relationship is the greatest key to developing intimacy. Trust takes time to build, but can be torn down very quickly. What qualities help build trust in marriage? First and foremost is the quality of absolute faithfulness. Adultery will quickly devastate trust. Real faithfulness involves not only avoiding sexual contact with someone other than your mate, but also staying away from the “edges.” This means avoiding all forms of pornography, and not allowing yourself to develop other emotionally close relationships with members of the opposite sex. The hurt that can come to your mate because of carelessness in these areas can undermine trust—and will greatly damage your chance of ever achieving true intimacy.

We also build trust by the way we talk. When we belittle or ridicule our partner we make it very difficult for that person ever to trust us. Who wants to reveal the inner secrets of one’s heart to someone who will fling those secrets back hurtfully? Who wants to be the butt of “put-downs”—whether humorously intended or not? We will never willingly reveal our secrets unless we feel safe doing so. Damage is magnified many times over when hurtful words are said in front of others.

Many people are continually put down by partners as the are subjected to negative criticism, comparisons and derogatory comments in the presence of others. We must be convinced of their sincerity and their motives in order to trust. While we cannot make others change their feelings or perceptions, we can conduct ourselves in ways that will foster those changes. When we focus on being trustworthy, by demonstrating loyalty and kindness in our words and deeds, we are becoming the kind of person God wants us to be. In doing that, we are also engendering the kind of environment in which trust can grow.

Forgiveness is another vital key to fostering intimacy in a relationship. Those who keep count of hurts and grievances will never move toward greater closeness. Forgiveness involves letting go of our “right” to justice. The Greek word translated “forgive” in the New Testament is aphiemi. This is the term used in Matthew 6:12, where Christ taught His disciples to ask the Father to “forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” The same term is used in Mark 1:18, where we learn that Jesus’ earliest disciples, who were fishermen, “left their nets.” To forgive is to leave behind.

Those who are determined to punish each offense, and to see that the other party “knows what it feels like,” will only ensure that the cycle of hurt is never broken. When we forgive, it means that we turn loose of the offense. Past mistakes must not be revisited over and over again whenever we face a fresh conflict. Readiness to forgive should be one of the hallmarks of a Christian—and it is a necessary component of any intimate marriage. As the Apostle Paul explained in 1 Corinthians 13, love does not keep an account of evil.

Accepting God’s forgiveness in our lives is essential, if we are to give forgiveness to others. Many who have the most trouble forgiving others grew up in homes where they never experienced much in the way of real forgiveness. They grew up viewing pardon as something that has to be earned or deserved, so they have trouble understanding the concept that the Bible calls grace. Even when they sincerely repent and begin to change, they remain weighed down by their shame over past and present sins, unable to forgive themselves. Unable to forgive themselves, they are unable to forgive others. The unaccepted become the unaccepting, and the unforgiven become the unforgiving. Those who cannot understand and accept God’s grace for themselves are certainly unable to extend true forgiveness to others.

Another key to building an intimate relationship with your mate is to spend time talking about what is important to each of you. The ability to share hopes and dreams builds a bond that grows with the sharing. Communication involves much more than one person talking; it must also involve someone listening. Active listening—seeking to understand what the other person is really trying to say—will help minimize misunderstanding, and will encourage communication.

We communicate not only by our words, but also by our body language, our voice inflection and the look in our eyes. Paying attention to someone, and actively listening, actually conveys a message from the listener—it says that the listener considers the speaker important! When we tune out our mate’s conversation, perhaps because we are absorbed in a television show or in reading the newspaper, we are sending a strong message that we do not value him or her. While that may not be the message that we wish to send, it is likely the message that our mate will be receiving.

We must also be sure to apply the Golden Rule when we speak. Speak to your mate with the same sort of kindness, courtesy and consideration that you want your mate to use toward you. Unkind and hurtful comments will shut down real communication, and make the hearer feel defensive. When we feel defensive, we generally quit listening, and we start defending and protecting ourselves.

In our hectic, fast-paced world, many couples never seem to find time to talk deeply. If a husband and wife want to grow in intimacy and closeness, they must ensure that they have time alone—without interruption—to talk about what is on their minds. Look for a time or a place that works within your circumstances, whether it may be a walk together, sitting on the porch or going out for coffee or a meal. If you cannot find time for this in your schedule, you had better examine your priorities and rearrange your schedule. You cannot be close without communication.

A fourth vital key is to value giving over getting. When we focus simply on meeting our own needs and wants, we are taking an inherently selfish approach to life. A fundamental difference between love and lust is that love focuses on giving, helping and serving the other person, while lust focuses only on deriving pleasure for the self. When we practice the way of give in a relationship, we are displaying the very mind of Christ (Philippians 2:3–8).

At their wedding, husband and wife customarily promise to love, honour and cherish one another. Yet, after the wedding, too many focus on their needs rather than their responsibilities. No human being can totally meet the needs of another. Only God can do that! Dr. Larry Crabb, noted author and psychologist, compares marital selfishness to a tick’s view of a dog. The tick, says Crabb, does not care what he can give the dog to help it have a good life. Rather, it seeks what is in it for him. The problem with many marriages is that there are two ticks and no dog!

Demanding that our mate make us happy will only intensify our sense of emptiness and frustration. Others simply cannot guarantee our feelings by their actions. We are responsible for how we treat our mate, but we cannot take responsibility for how they feel. Another person’s feelings depend on too many factors beyond our control. We must each assume responsibility for our own feelings and behavior, while we let others take responsibility for theirs.

Jesus Christ emphasized the importance of being a giver. But if we are to emulate Christ’s example, we must remember that His giving was always motivated by love—and that He gave from the heart. When we give to another, but do it begrudgingly rather than from the heart, it is unfulfilling to giver and receiver, and also unacceptable before God. Only if we look to God to meet all of our needs (cf. Philippians 4:19) can we truly have what it takes to genuinely give to others. Putting our focus on giving rather than taking is a vital key to real happiness in life.

In applying these principles that lead to greater intimacy in marriage, never forget that the most important intimate relationship is the one we have with God. He is the only One who can supply all of our needs and fill our inner emptiness. When we expect another human being to do so, we are making an impossible demand and setting ourselves up for disappointment and frustration.

Seek God’s help to grow and change. He is always there, and is the source of the power that we need to truly change our attitudes and behaviour. Real change must be made from the inside out—and that change is only possible through the help and power of God.

Be thankful, and count your blessings every day. No one who remains unthankful can experience real contentment in life. We can derive an inner peace and contentment from our relationship with God, far more than from the circumstances around us. When we have this inner peace from God, we can exude it in our relationships with others. Being thankful and casting our cares upon our Creator, recognizing His loving care for us, leads to this spirit of peace.

We should also seek to develop a healthy sense of humour, and learn to see the lighter side of life. This can help us to put life in perspective. A look at the creation certainly demonstrates that God has a sense of humour; just think of the antics of the animal world. Are we able to laugh at ourselves, and to recognize our own foibles and idiosyncrasies? If not, we will go through life taking ourselves far too seriously and being quick to bristle up and have our feelings hurt.

As human beings, we were made for intimacy. Our Creator wanted us to share intimacy with Him—and intimacy with a partner in life—as fulfilling blessings from Him. Such intimacy does not come easily or naturally, because our fear and our defensiveness all too often get in the way. However, with God’s help, we can change and grow toward achieving our ultimate potential. It really is possible to build a more intimate marriage, and to learn lessons from that marriage that will help us prepare for a genuinely intimate relationship with our Creator and our Saviour for all eternity.

This entry was posted on Saturday, November 29th, 2008 at 3:19 pm and is filed under Christian Life, Theocratic Outlook. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.